Dear Brothers,
I know I said would send this letter many years ago, I apologize for the delay.
The truth is, up until now I had been afraid to send a letter or submit to the discipline of the elder body because I was scared that I would be misunderstood and branded as ‘disfellowshipped’, or worse, an ‘apostate’ – labels equally as terrible as thief and murderer. Labels that are considered even worse than death.
I’ll never forget my final conversation with Brother C* when he asked if I would go back to meetings, and I told him I didn’t feel ready. That I was still hurt by the neglect and detached attitude of my then husband and especially the elders. His scruffy response was, “Well, then you know what we have to do. You’ll need to send us a letter.” I was shocked into silence. I couldn’t believe how quickly his tone had changed. His calm, friendly, compassionate tone had turned into cold apathy within one breath. He was suddenly aloof, but with a strong sense of urgency. His next few text messages to me would abruptly shift from “I hope you changed your mind or would like to talk about this” to “here is the address to send your letter”, both sent with zero response from me. The elders are nothing if not scrupulous with their candor.
Still, they did assist me where needed with my then husband. A husband who valued appearances and reputation – making his name for Jehovah – far more than he valued the dignity and mental health of his wife. A husband who had the title of intermediary between wife and elder, controlling the connection between a ‘weaker vessel’ and god, as husbands and elders do. A husband who claimed that his dark sins and secrets belonged only to Jehovah, his wife be damned. A husband praised by his elder body for his example while simultaneously demeaning his wife for lack of faith.
When I needed the elders though, they came through. They helped my then husband to communicate with me, and provide me updates as to our divorce proceedings, something I had thought would be a simple and reasonable ask. As it turns out, shunning begins immediately after the divorce papers are filed.
The label of ‘disfellowshipped’, when branded on you, sends a message to all your loved ones, friends and foes, that this one here—yes, she has a bad heart condition. She is neither repentant nor is she faithful. No, she is faithless and spiritually destitute, not even worthy of conversing with.
I was told my relationship with Jehovah was personal and that only he and his son could read hearts. Yet, here was a group of three men ready to determine the condition of my heart, with god’s approval, and judge it according to how Jesus would have. A group of men would deem me as bad or good, rotten fruit or forgotten sheep. A group of men who barely knew me, much less respected me as a human being, not just as ‘a woman in need of attention’.
Words are powerful, as you well know. To label someone as ‘disfellowshipped,’ or ‘apostate’, is to condemn them to a life without friends and family that they hold dear. A condemnation of spiritual death as well as physical death, for your family mourns the loss of your eternal life, and some who are ‘disfellowshipped’ will in turn, run head-first into a physical death to escape that pain. Yes, many have chosen suicide over ‘disfellowshipping’.
Since your elder body hardly knew me from the next and didn’t care to in my most difficult moments, I’ll let you in on this: since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to do the right thing. I have never wanted to disappoint anyone or have anyone look at me negatively. I knew my heart was good deep down. All I have ever wanted was love and acceptance. Interesting to note that in my most vulnerable state as a youth, I sought love and acceptance from Jehovah god. A jealous, war-like, vengeful god. You know this to be true, his own written word describes him as such.
I am grown now. It doesn’t matter what you call me, what you deem me as, my once cherished relationships with other members of the congregation were severed without your formal label. But it is not their bible-trained conscience or their heart condition that caused them to stop associating with me. It is the emotional manipulation from the Governing Body that has encouraged them to cut me off in an effort to make me feel guilt and shame, only so I could return to a vengeful god and his jealous congregation. For aren’t we made in his image?
I was afraid of labels. Scared of a vengeful god and his people who judge and shun and hate. I am not afraid anymore. I will say now what I wanted to say many years ago when Brother C asked if I knew what they had to do now that I didn’t want to go back to meetings. I would say, if Jehovah feels it is right to judge me for this, to destroy me at Armageddon, to cut off my extended family and friends forever, for this—for who I am, then I want nothing to do with him. He is not and will never be my god.
Furthermore, I am very well aware of the rampant child sexual abuse that is being systematically suppressed and covered up by the elder body in many, if not all congregations globally. I am thoroughly repulsed and deeply angered for the way the Governing Body has chosen to deal with this issue. While they have sought to not bring reproach upon Jehovah’s name, by silencing victims, children, they have done just that.
So I will take my knowledge and experience as a former Jehovah’s Witness, I will use all my time and resources, in order to speak for those who do not have a voice. I will spend the rest of my life speaking out about the organization and the Governing Body. Most importantly, I will speak out against the elder body who, with their arrangement, perpetuate the systemic sexual and physical abuse among the congregation.
Without the elder arrangement and the fearmongering of the Armageddon doctrine (which mimics the hellfire doctrine of Christendom), this religion has only greedy, manipulative, abusive, false prophet televangelists to stand upon. I will find happiness and fulfillment spending the rest of my existence speaking out against the influence and authority of the Governing Body, their machinations, and their complicity in abuse. My determination to do so is a direct reflection of a ‘bible-trained’ conscience.
Please remove my name and personal information from your ledgers, effective immediately. Label me and announce my name from the platform if you wish. My eternal life, spirituality, and soul no longer belong to you.
Sincerely,
J.W.
*Real name abbreviated for privacy.
j. r. wallington 